I wake up in a foggy daze out of the gate and line up so I can sleep for ever! I head over to my nice comfy seat in first class and snooze the morning/night away. We met at the airport and he was obviously on his other lover, Blackberry, working. Then he left and messaged me that he had a surprise and came back holding a box of chocolates including- chocolate covered strawberries, mints and Oreos (my favorite)! He knows how much I love sweets:) I left the box on the plane. Clearly, some one had one too many bloody mary’s.
When we reached the beautiful island we were smashed like hash. He knew his way around well, and the plan was that the first night we were going to stay in a beautiful suite and then after we picked up my roomie we were to move in a Villa -bitchesssssss. We picked up our huge car for the ride-to hold his surf board. All the employees at the hotel were extremely attentive and nice. They spoke spanish and english mucho bueno.
They had the best pools and ocean views of anywhere I had ever stayed! I was in total awe, I tried hard not to show it. I kept telling him this 5 star rated beauty was o.k. They brought us delicious snacks and drinks as welcoming too....score... We made love as soon as the employees dropped off our bags, it was so great and hot. He kept telling me I was going to ware him out, but I knew that was total bullshit.
We were both pretty whipped out that night, we were traveling and driving around all day. After taking a nap and having more sex (as I predicted) we decided to have a bite to eat but we weren’t feeling the menu (we really wanted fish tacos) so Lexa had margarita’s for dinner. Yum.
The next day I slept for a while, and my phone had died. My roomie had texted me that she felt weird about coming which I understood but was kind of sad about because I knew she would have loved the island, for its beauty and fun and because of the free alcohol and food. He was a little disappointed just for the fact that the non-refundable tickets were now a waste of 1,000.00. Opps....At least we still had the Villa.
In the afternoon I started to meet some more of his friends. Check this out-they were all married but one and none of them were wearing rings. They wanted me to recruit women for them when we went out. I cannot believe this is reality. Don’t get me wrong all the guys were great fun. They knew had to drink, party hard and make a girl laugh. It was the best when we all went to dinner and they kept hitting on girls at the tables, and then I had to come over and assure the girls that the men were harmless, and they honestly were harmless. They just like to have fun and live the young life when they have the oppurtunity to.
The next night we kept it pretty low key and went to get the best sushi ever! We were exhausted so we did not go out with the crazy boys. Apparently, one night one of the nice guys encountered a grenade and had to talk to the ugly bombshell for hours so his seperated friend could get his vacation sex on. The whole trip we basically made love, drank, ate great food, danced and went to awesome bars. It was awesome!! I love day drinking too.
The last night before we all had to leave, we went to this sick rock bar and I danced in a cage by myself...naturally. I planned on getting pretty drunk..I needed confidence to wear this sexy outfit for him later...his birthday was coming up. One of his friends who is about late 40’s (has a 27 year old) approached a table with two younger girls who looked barely 21 a father, younger brother, and mother. He asked the father’s permission to dance with one of his daughters. I was sent to assure the father that he was not crazy, yet strangely serious. The father asked me if he was my dad, I laughed and walked away.
We left the club late and had great last night love and he loved my outfit. He fucking better have. He also claims that he has has never cheated on his wife before and out of the all years they were married, I am the first one. This I find hard to believe. He knows many stealth ways and at the airport I couldn’t even kiss him. I feel like there is a science and certain way of going about every thing, money transfers, public areas and don’t be PDA.
I was really sad the next day to leave. I thought I would be happier, I loved the treatment, the smell of the soaps and lotions, the view, sex, all the attention he gave me, margartias and fresh fish! Oh yeah and I would miss him, weird how that works. He kept asking me during the trip, “what will happen when you fall in love with me?” I said I am not allowed to love him and that he is off limits. Fuck though, I cannot fall in love with him. Lexa needs to focus on money not man.
The plane ride we did not end up riding together because I cost him more money and fucked up the date I reserved to depart the island. I should not confuse drinking and booking flight tickets together, but that is a WHOLE OTHER STORY. I had to sit in coach...next to a child right out of the womb. Instantly I scanned the rows for the nearest stuartists. I spy the bitty at 12 o’clock making her way closer to my seat and I rush to grab my card and cash for a tip! I catch her and assure her I will need her to keep sending the bloody mary’s to my seat. She kept bringing them and the flight got way better.
I was less sad to leave my hunny, but I still would miss him. We were both super wasted at the airport and made a story at the bar how we just met. It was so fun! I snuck in a kiss good bye before we left for our connecting flights. Next flight I got onto I kept drinking away and the flight went by so much faster, except I kept spelling my drink and speaking really loud. I started to get dirty looks, and when I got up to go to the bathroom re-tracking my seat was always a mission impossible.
I practically fell out of the seat covered in the bags I am carrying, one of the handles even broke on me. He gave more money when I left too, so when my roomie got me from the airport I was starving and I went to the nicest steakhouse in town so we could smoke and then eat cheeseburgers. It was the best idea ever!
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Just made it
Now, we are pinning each other and I am telling him how much I love my roommate. I tell him how fun and crazy she is, so he put money in my account to get her a ticket 2 days before I left. THe only issue was she would have to leave by herself, and she was a litttle nervous considering she and I both knew that this was crazy of me to go to foreign country with a stranger. I thought, not a bad first date.
He puts more money into my account because he asked if I needed more for shopping...he he he. I think you all know how I responded to that question. Then it ends up being the night before I had to leave for Fiji. My flight left at 3:30 AM, left just say my other roomie was coming home that night and we were celebrating like rock stars. I tried to make my all friends stay up and believe me NOTHING made them stay up.
So Im fucked up and packing for what see,s to be a near month or two. I have like three carry on bags because I was finding bags and random shit I had to shove in places. I am doing my make up, and not even that is making me look presentable. I call a cab and then pass out, he kept calling me and I waked up and then ignored it, if it wasn’t for my friend sleeping on the couch I would have missed my flight. The cab had been waiting luckily, and took me to the airport. I fell asleep in the cab, and then my bag was overweight so I had to fumble all my shit around and all I wanted to do was sleep.
He puts more money into my account because he asked if I needed more for shopping...he he he. I think you all know how I responded to that question. Then it ends up being the night before I had to leave for Fiji. My flight left at 3:30 AM, left just say my other roomie was coming home that night and we were celebrating like rock stars. I tried to make my all friends stay up and believe me NOTHING made them stay up.
So Im fucked up and packing for what see,s to be a near month or two. I have like three carry on bags because I was finding bags and random shit I had to shove in places. I am doing my make up, and not even that is making me look presentable. I call a cab and then pass out, he kept calling me and I waked up and then ignored it, if it wasn’t for my friend sleeping on the couch I would have missed my flight. The cab had been waiting luckily, and took me to the airport. I fell asleep in the cab, and then my bag was overweight so I had to fumble all my shit around and all I wanted to do was sleep.
Mother fucking affair
I needed to meet this man and make sure he was not some kind of psycho, especially in the manner I was speaking to him (just a little more flirtatious than i would have like to with a stranger). So one night before I come back from the Bahamas and before I have to leave Miami I ended up meeting him for a drink and he was great. His personality stroked me the right way for sure. He was very relaxed, sexy and smart. We did kiss, but only for a bit, nothing hardcore. After that night we got into pinning through our blackberries. We pinned almost every day, and he certainly had me on the tip of my toes. He gave me countdowns until our island getaway, and told me how he was going to spoil me. Oh goody!, I thought.
Except one day, it hit me, that son of a bitch must be married. I asked him and he confessed to having a wife for 12 fucking years. Thank god, he does not have kids...then I would be the ultimate home wrecker.
He has a beach house about two hours away from me and he wanted me to come out to meet him. I do not have a car so I tell him I have no idea how I will get there, but when there is Lexa involved, Lexa will find a way.
Please realize I arrived in town for school on a friday and still had to move in all my furniture and mattress. So I am drinking beer on a sunday trying to figure out how the fuck I am supposed to get a ride to see him because I do not know anyone who would even lend me their car ( I am a crazy, new driver). Then it dawns on me, duh..i’ll make him buy a car service to pick my drunk ass up.
Next thing I know a guy in a tuxedo comes to pick me up to go in a lincoln black on black ride. I stumble into the car trying not to seem like a lush. The plan was that the car would take me to “The Ritz,” because he was spending time with clients there. He was supposed to pick me up from there and take me to his beach house.
The car ride began a bit boring because the driver was playing music that one usually hears in elevators. Whoa, then I thought...If I am going to be a car for about an hour, two hours to meet up with a stranger who is taking to me to a foreign country...DAM I will need a drink to handle this. I reach into my overnight bag and grab a beer. The driver in the front gave me a bit of look and then I heard the best thing ever. The radio station made it’s point and started to play the best hit of all, Billie Jeane by my one and only MJ.
The ride got way better! I reached my destination to the “The Ritz Carlton,” in Orlando, and immediately I scurried to the prissy bar and ordered a kettle one and soda. I felt like a grade a hooker. He came to pick me up in his blinged out truck and I hopped in with my denim skinny anklet jeans equipped with zippers on the bottom, wearing a black patent belt with gold circles,and the perfect sized buckle topped with brown cargo”esuque” wedges, a thick, a white tank and a black blazer. I was looking pretty good.
My two little eyes spy Fiji man with one hand on the wheel looking like a stud, smiling right at me. Man am I a sucker or what? I just couldn’t help but shine my brightest smile. I was super happy to see him for some reason, probably the fact that I was intoxicated defintely helped. As soon as I got in the car, he had me reach into the glove department and he bought me a brand new hot pink 16GB ipod nano! I mentioned to him that my ipod broke and he told me I couldn’t travel without one. I automatically agreed.
We stopped off to get dinner first and get all the general questions out of the way and then start talking more about dirty details like drugs and sex. At the end dinner the waitress asked us what our deal and said she has been trying to figure us out all night. I really don’t know if she could have handled it.
He was 38 years old but acted like my age. He listened to all types of music and he was so into music which was pretty awesome. He is a pretty independent person and gets along with people very well. The man even enjoyed himself that mary jane.He all said he wanted to put money into my account every month so I would not have to work...um yes please.
His beach house so adorable and he designed it all himself-hm... probably a lie but whatever. He gave me a nice tour and then he made me a drink, and we went on his balcony over looking the beach with a full frekin moon....what do you guys think happened?
He totally charmed me in, but thats what I love. I made him have to work...a little but I needed to make sure the sex was decent if I was going to a foreign city with this man for a week. He had this bed too on his balcony so we started laying in that and then he was touching me super slow and sexy...and you could HEAR the waves. He paid so much attention to every inch of my body. It was unreal! God, It is so refreshing to not have some college dude, like have his cock jump out all over me in thirty seconds. It was like a total “Nicholas Sparks” movie scene. The light from the moon was even shining on us, god I feel corny.
He called it, making love. I do no think any man I have slept there has ever said that. I’ve heard fuck, sex, do it, bump, screw, thrust, etc...but when you think about it why haven’t more men used the term making love. I feel like way more women would respond to, “shall we make love tonight, or no?” versus “wanna go do it?” But hey maybe that is just me and we all know how fucking odd I am.
We made love in every room in that house that night. In the morning after barely sleeping he made me breakfast and he had one of those awesome coffee machines. Wealthy people have the fucking coolest kitchen appliances, you know? I mean if I was wealthy I would never be in the kitchen, or maybe I would hire a chef, either way they all have the sick nasty, speech enabler, robot coffee machines, and then they have the pepper shaker that automatically grinds it for you with the click of a button. They seriously have every stupid appliance there is out there too, like they have to have the panini maker, the not ‘“shit” american waffle maker -but the “BELGIUM” waffle maker, the premium, top of the notch smoothie maker, and if you’re lucky they have ice cream makers and espresso machines!
ANYWAYS-he pays for me to take the same car guy back to my crack ’a’ lack house. This guy definitely knows what’s going down but he was a super fly guy so it worked out well. He played Michael Jackson again too! And I read some of “Little Bee” (great book by the way). I also did pass out a good ninety percent of the time. The next day Fiji put money in my account to get first class tickets to Fiji AND to go shopping! Yay!
Except one day, it hit me, that son of a bitch must be married. I asked him and he confessed to having a wife for 12 fucking years. Thank god, he does not have kids...then I would be the ultimate home wrecker.
He has a beach house about two hours away from me and he wanted me to come out to meet him. I do not have a car so I tell him I have no idea how I will get there, but when there is Lexa involved, Lexa will find a way.
Please realize I arrived in town for school on a friday and still had to move in all my furniture and mattress. So I am drinking beer on a sunday trying to figure out how the fuck I am supposed to get a ride to see him because I do not know anyone who would even lend me their car ( I am a crazy, new driver). Then it dawns on me, duh..i’ll make him buy a car service to pick my drunk ass up.
Next thing I know a guy in a tuxedo comes to pick me up to go in a lincoln black on black ride. I stumble into the car trying not to seem like a lush. The plan was that the car would take me to “The Ritz,” because he was spending time with clients there. He was supposed to pick me up from there and take me to his beach house.
The car ride began a bit boring because the driver was playing music that one usually hears in elevators. Whoa, then I thought...If I am going to be a car for about an hour, two hours to meet up with a stranger who is taking to me to a foreign country...DAM I will need a drink to handle this. I reach into my overnight bag and grab a beer. The driver in the front gave me a bit of look and then I heard the best thing ever. The radio station made it’s point and started to play the best hit of all, Billie Jeane by my one and only MJ.
The ride got way better! I reached my destination to the “The Ritz Carlton,” in Orlando, and immediately I scurried to the prissy bar and ordered a kettle one and soda. I felt like a grade a hooker. He came to pick me up in his blinged out truck and I hopped in with my denim skinny anklet jeans equipped with zippers on the bottom, wearing a black patent belt with gold circles,and the perfect sized buckle topped with brown cargo”esuque” wedges, a thick, a white tank and a black blazer. I was looking pretty good.
My two little eyes spy Fiji man with one hand on the wheel looking like a stud, smiling right at me. Man am I a sucker or what? I just couldn’t help but shine my brightest smile. I was super happy to see him for some reason, probably the fact that I was intoxicated defintely helped. As soon as I got in the car, he had me reach into the glove department and he bought me a brand new hot pink 16GB ipod nano! I mentioned to him that my ipod broke and he told me I couldn’t travel without one. I automatically agreed.
We stopped off to get dinner first and get all the general questions out of the way and then start talking more about dirty details like drugs and sex. At the end dinner the waitress asked us what our deal and said she has been trying to figure us out all night. I really don’t know if she could have handled it.
He was 38 years old but acted like my age. He listened to all types of music and he was so into music which was pretty awesome. He is a pretty independent person and gets along with people very well. The man even enjoyed himself that mary jane.He all said he wanted to put money into my account every month so I would not have to work...um yes please.
His beach house so adorable and he designed it all himself-hm... probably a lie but whatever. He gave me a nice tour and then he made me a drink, and we went on his balcony over looking the beach with a full frekin moon....what do you guys think happened?
He totally charmed me in, but thats what I love. I made him have to work...a little but I needed to make sure the sex was decent if I was going to a foreign city with this man for a week. He had this bed too on his balcony so we started laying in that and then he was touching me super slow and sexy...and you could HEAR the waves. He paid so much attention to every inch of my body. It was unreal! God, It is so refreshing to not have some college dude, like have his cock jump out all over me in thirty seconds. It was like a total “Nicholas Sparks” movie scene. The light from the moon was even shining on us, god I feel corny.
He called it, making love. I do no think any man I have slept there has ever said that. I’ve heard fuck, sex, do it, bump, screw, thrust, etc...but when you think about it why haven’t more men used the term making love. I feel like way more women would respond to, “shall we make love tonight, or no?” versus “wanna go do it?” But hey maybe that is just me and we all know how fucking odd I am.
We made love in every room in that house that night. In the morning after barely sleeping he made me breakfast and he had one of those awesome coffee machines. Wealthy people have the fucking coolest kitchen appliances, you know? I mean if I was wealthy I would never be in the kitchen, or maybe I would hire a chef, either way they all have the sick nasty, speech enabler, robot coffee machines, and then they have the pepper shaker that automatically grinds it for you with the click of a button. They seriously have every stupid appliance there is out there too, like they have to have the panini maker, the not ‘“shit” american waffle maker -but the “BELGIUM” waffle maker, the premium, top of the notch smoothie maker, and if you’re lucky they have ice cream makers and espresso machines!
ANYWAYS-he pays for me to take the same car guy back to my crack ’a’ lack house. This guy definitely knows what’s going down but he was a super fly guy so it worked out well. He played Michael Jackson again too! And I read some of “Little Bee” (great book by the way). I also did pass out a good ninety percent of the time. The next day Fiji put money in my account to get first class tickets to Fiji AND to go shopping! Yay!
Did someone say Cabo?
I am currently on the plane back to destination “almost condemned home” and I wonder how I even got to Fiji. As I have mentioned before, my luck goes from terrible to FABULOUS. Let me tell ya how I landed up in Fiji. I am working in this office of death, and I get a call from a customer who totally wants to bitch. He is totally giving me a hard time about his account, and my manager fucked it up-not me, so then he wanted to come in my actual office. I give this guy our physical address, the next day he comes in and asks to speak with me. I am a bit shocked he actually came in. He is on his phone most of the time I had to do my job...for once and help him with his account and I did mention that it was my last day.
When I am about to leave work I get an email from him, and he thanked me for my help and was asking if I needed work Now people, I am a broke college kid in this recession, when someone says job I run. So I email him back immediately notifying him of my interest and he asks me number. We exchange numbers and next thing I know he texts me and then we start to flirt! Knowing myself, this is inevitable, but iI really did want a job, until he told me he was to Fiji,
I told him that I was leaving Miami in a couple of days to go off to a family reunion in the Bahamas and he mentioned he was going to Fiji. Next thing he invited me to go....I did NOT think he was serious-considering I just met him and did not do any google searches on his name or background checks. I thought he was totally playing when he asked me to go. I said I would love to go with him just because i thought he was bullshitting me but little did I know.
When I am about to leave work I get an email from him, and he thanked me for my help and was asking if I needed work Now people, I am a broke college kid in this recession, when someone says job I run. So I email him back immediately notifying him of my interest and he asks me number. We exchange numbers and next thing I know he texts me and then we start to flirt! Knowing myself, this is inevitable, but iI really did want a job, until he told me he was to Fiji,
I told him that I was leaving Miami in a couple of days to go off to a family reunion in the Bahamas and he mentioned he was going to Fiji. Next thing he invited me to go....I did NOT think he was serious-considering I just met him and did not do any google searches on his name or background checks. I thought he was totally playing when he asked me to go. I said I would love to go with him just because i thought he was bullshitting me but little did I know.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Cart Trouble on the Island
The next night I am out with my little brother again and he is off flirting with these english girls his age and I am off with my friends my age. My friends and I are smoking a giant b, and I was silly, stupid, drunk. My brother asks me if he can go off with his friends to the bar down the block and me like a fool agrees. After ten minutes of smoking, I go to get the car and decide to call it a night because I am about to pass out at this point.
I start the golf cart, and ride over to the bar where he said he would be at. I look in and I do not see him. Then I think, well maybe he is at the other bar on the other side of the island. I ride over to the other side and it is 1 am and I am about to fall asleep at the wheel. All of a sudden my cart stops. I am riding in a dirt road, taking the short cut in a fucking golf cart. Seriously, it wasn’t charged? How was I supposed to know the cart would run out of gas. The island is only 3 miles long!
Then these two giant black man appear, out of literally no where and I could barely see them. They actually ended up helping me and said they would hold the cart for me-which they actually ended up doing. I then walked to the bar I was at originally thinking that maybe my little brother would show up there. I get to a table with these french people and I see my little soufflé and then I do the unthinkable. I stand up, go to the balcony and puke down the stairs. Thank god, it did not hit anyone.
My little soufflé turned out to be helpful in the case that him and his friend drove me home. Then I get to the house and scream into my mother’s room, (take in account that I am drunk and tired) and yell, “MOM! I can’t find my brother, I almost got raped and I crashed the golf cart.” Only one of those things I said was true (couldn’t find my brother. It turned out that little shit was at the bar that I looked for him at the whole bloody time! I don’t think I drank until 5 the next day.
I start the golf cart, and ride over to the bar where he said he would be at. I look in and I do not see him. Then I think, well maybe he is at the other bar on the other side of the island. I ride over to the other side and it is 1 am and I am about to fall asleep at the wheel. All of a sudden my cart stops. I am riding in a dirt road, taking the short cut in a fucking golf cart. Seriously, it wasn’t charged? How was I supposed to know the cart would run out of gas. The island is only 3 miles long!
Then these two giant black man appear, out of literally no where and I could barely see them. They actually ended up helping me and said they would hold the cart for me-which they actually ended up doing. I then walked to the bar I was at originally thinking that maybe my little brother would show up there. I get to a table with these french people and I see my little soufflé and then I do the unthinkable. I stand up, go to the balcony and puke down the stairs. Thank god, it did not hit anyone.
My little soufflé turned out to be helpful in the case that him and his friend drove me home. Then I get to the house and scream into my mother’s room, (take in account that I am drunk and tired) and yell, “MOM! I can’t find my brother, I almost got raped and I crashed the golf cart.” Only one of those things I said was true (couldn’t find my brother. It turned out that little shit was at the bar that I looked for him at the whole bloody time! I don’t think I drank until 5 the next day.
Bahama Mama parte uno
Bahama Mama Parte uno
It is hysterical that every time I end up on family trips, I still manage to get myself into trouble. I went to an island in the Bahamas for one week and rented a house with my happily married aunt and uncle, their three three children (all under the age of ten), crazy Aunt Kidd (mentioned before) her daughter (ten years old), and then my mom, her boo, little sister and then last but not least my fifteen year old brother, body guard. I was drunk 90 percent of the time, It would have been 100% if my grandparents were not so damn strict.
Also, please note I peed the bed every night because of my alcoholism. I slept in a two bedroom with my little sister and we luckily had a balcony with a lounge chair. Every day at 6 am I woke up wet, took off my clothes and then passed out on the lounge chair naked until my little cousin would come outside close her eyes and tell me breakfast is ready. Poor girl is probably scared for life.
Every morning I tried to wake up really fast so I could leave before the maids came. Except, they walked in every morning while I was rushing to get dressed and I would watch them walk down the stairs in disgust,carrying my sheets. The worst part is that one morning my Aunt confronted me and told me my little sister still wet the bed. I lied and agreed. I told her that, “I had no idea my sister still wet the bed.” I blamed my little sister for peeing the bed, when it was me the whole time. One day I’ll pay her back.
As soon as well all landed, my mom, her boo and I were chugging Kalik beers like they were running out of stock. Then we all met my grandparents for dinner, that night I was a good girl and followed my drunk mum home when she got into a fight with her step mummy. Me, being the best supportive daughter that I am took my mum to the bar so we could get pissed. Then when she came home, she started to fight with her boo because that is what those two do when they are drunk. Her nickname for the rest of the trip was “Mel.”
The next night my mum, her boo and I went to a chill, laid back bar where, this time, I was the victim. I wore a shirt out that looked like something Lady Gaga would wear; it was one shoulder with a white puffy sleeve on one side. For some reason, I thought maybe this shirt would magically make me sing like her because for the rest of the night I sung Lady Gaga and I will never think of the song “Poker Face” the same. My mom and I went back to the house where all my cousins were trying to sleep and I was screaming Poker Face at the top of my lungs. The next night before I went out my uncle came into my bedroom and screamed, “NEXT TIME YOU COME HOME,YOU MIGHT WANT TO LOWER YOUR VOICE.!”
I certainly wore off my mom and her boyfriend off and I knew my little brother had been wanting to get his party on. These kids grow up fast now a days. I took my little brother out with me and in return he paid for my drinks, which was an awesome trade off! The first night I was out with my brother, I am tipsy and start flirting with this french guy. After talking and flirting I told my little brother that I had to take him home. So then I have my guy follow me and then we were going to go back to his place. My brother got so defensive it was adorable. He was like why is this guy following you!?
I dropped my little brother off and had my french one night stand, nothing out of the ordinary, except for I think I may have eaten a pot brownie at his place..I wish I could have remembered more from that night.
It is hysterical that every time I end up on family trips, I still manage to get myself into trouble. I went to an island in the Bahamas for one week and rented a house with my happily married aunt and uncle, their three three children (all under the age of ten), crazy Aunt Kidd (mentioned before) her daughter (ten years old), and then my mom, her boo, little sister and then last but not least my fifteen year old brother, body guard. I was drunk 90 percent of the time, It would have been 100% if my grandparents were not so damn strict.
Also, please note I peed the bed every night because of my alcoholism. I slept in a two bedroom with my little sister and we luckily had a balcony with a lounge chair. Every day at 6 am I woke up wet, took off my clothes and then passed out on the lounge chair naked until my little cousin would come outside close her eyes and tell me breakfast is ready. Poor girl is probably scared for life.
Every morning I tried to wake up really fast so I could leave before the maids came. Except, they walked in every morning while I was rushing to get dressed and I would watch them walk down the stairs in disgust,carrying my sheets. The worst part is that one morning my Aunt confronted me and told me my little sister still wet the bed. I lied and agreed. I told her that, “I had no idea my sister still wet the bed.” I blamed my little sister for peeing the bed, when it was me the whole time. One day I’ll pay her back.
As soon as well all landed, my mom, her boo and I were chugging Kalik beers like they were running out of stock. Then we all met my grandparents for dinner, that night I was a good girl and followed my drunk mum home when she got into a fight with her step mummy. Me, being the best supportive daughter that I am took my mum to the bar so we could get pissed. Then when she came home, she started to fight with her boo because that is what those two do when they are drunk. Her nickname for the rest of the trip was “Mel.”
The next night my mum, her boo and I went to a chill, laid back bar where, this time, I was the victim. I wore a shirt out that looked like something Lady Gaga would wear; it was one shoulder with a white puffy sleeve on one side. For some reason, I thought maybe this shirt would magically make me sing like her because for the rest of the night I sung Lady Gaga and I will never think of the song “Poker Face” the same. My mom and I went back to the house where all my cousins were trying to sleep and I was screaming Poker Face at the top of my lungs. The next night before I went out my uncle came into my bedroom and screamed, “NEXT TIME YOU COME HOME,YOU MIGHT WANT TO LOWER YOUR VOICE.!”
I certainly wore off my mom and her boyfriend off and I knew my little brother had been wanting to get his party on. These kids grow up fast now a days. I took my little brother out with me and in return he paid for my drinks, which was an awesome trade off! The first night I was out with my brother, I am tipsy and start flirting with this french guy. After talking and flirting I told my little brother that I had to take him home. So then I have my guy follow me and then we were going to go back to his place. My brother got so defensive it was adorable. He was like why is this guy following you!?
I dropped my little brother off and had my french one night stand, nothing out of the ordinary, except for I think I may have eaten a pot brownie at his place..I wish I could have remembered more from that night.
Bad Aiming
One night at the end of my summer in Miami I went to meet up with a friend. We shall call him Anus because that is what he loves. I had my grandma’s Audi, TT and of course I have had a couple beers but I was not shit faced so I was cool driving. I pick up Anus from this bar and we were going to head over to a new one, so all of a sudden I am driving in the middle of Miami on South Dixie Highway (major road), I am at a stop light and as soon as the light turned green, I went to step on the gas and nothing happened. Immediately I thought, wow, “this would happen to me.”
Luckily, a nice homeless man came riding by in his bike and offered to help. Anus and his friends also turned out to be pretty handy. The guys pushed that little silver baby on over to the Shell gas station right off the road and worked on that car. Naturally, I had no idea what the hell exactly was wrong with the car but I figured that they would be smart enough to figure it out, because then I would be royally fucked in my anus. My grandma also just got her car completely checked. Audi people...figures.
After about an hour of scraping off this random green shit on my grandma’s engine, we all leave to go to Anus’ friend’s place. We start playing some drinking games and next thing we know it is 4 am and all his friends are sleeping. So, we decided to go have our own little fun in Anus’s car.
I forgot what we were doing exactly but next thing I know he somehow managed to squirt out a fucking wad of cum into my eye. Yes, it’s true. The man got his fucking cum into my eye and frekin almost blinded me. I did not know it was possible for a man to be so off target but he was. I have never heard of a girl getting a load shot in her eye besides me of course. Maybe next time I have sex I should wear sunglasses. Females-BEWARE the next time you are pleasing a man, make sure he does not make you go get an eye patch because he can’t control his penis.
Luckily, a nice homeless man came riding by in his bike and offered to help. Anus and his friends also turned out to be pretty handy. The guys pushed that little silver baby on over to the Shell gas station right off the road and worked on that car. Naturally, I had no idea what the hell exactly was wrong with the car but I figured that they would be smart enough to figure it out, because then I would be royally fucked in my anus. My grandma also just got her car completely checked. Audi people...figures.
After about an hour of scraping off this random green shit on my grandma’s engine, we all leave to go to Anus’ friend’s place. We start playing some drinking games and next thing we know it is 4 am and all his friends are sleeping. So, we decided to go have our own little fun in Anus’s car.
I forgot what we were doing exactly but next thing I know he somehow managed to squirt out a fucking wad of cum into my eye. Yes, it’s true. The man got his fucking cum into my eye and frekin almost blinded me. I did not know it was possible for a man to be so off target but he was. I have never heard of a girl getting a load shot in her eye besides me of course. Maybe next time I have sex I should wear sunglasses. Females-BEWARE the next time you are pleasing a man, make sure he does not make you go get an eye patch because he can’t control his penis.
Going out with a bang
When my grandrent’s came back into town, my schedule began to change and in instead of getting hammered and having wild sex with an older man, I went into pothead mode. I began coming home and smoking my life away in my grandparent’s bathroom. That poor bathroom, I wonder if they will ever realize I smoked in there almost every day.
I also stole my grandma’s ipod and then she asked if I had it and I still lied to her! I am awful...but I did really need an ipod for strict working out purposes. I couldn’t be in Miami and be fat...even though I did have the munchies a little too much. One night my friend was in town and I still had clothes that I left at Loverboy’s and I needed to pick up my heels. I purposely left some things over there, just in case I needed an excuse to come over ;)
Kidd was indeed out of town and I did need my heels. I winded up going over there and getting a little more than my sexy black cut out, stilettos. He was a good kisser and he liked kissing me a lot. It started to rain, he had a pool and a hot tub, we were both naked in his house and it got a bit steamy...I am sure you could imagine what happened next.
The next morning I had to wake up at 7 am so I could be at my grandparent’s before they woke up! Naturally I drive up to the driveway and my grandfather is taking the dogs out. Sleepily, I open the gate and then of course the dogs start to run out in the street...I think I screamed, “FUCK!”over and over again for a solid two minutes.
Luckily the dogs got let in and he did not say a word. That old man was definitely quite at right times. That was my last sexual encountering with Loverboy, and it was quite a great ending, if I do say so myself.
I also stole my grandma’s ipod and then she asked if I had it and I still lied to her! I am awful...but I did really need an ipod for strict working out purposes. I couldn’t be in Miami and be fat...even though I did have the munchies a little too much. One night my friend was in town and I still had clothes that I left at Loverboy’s and I needed to pick up my heels. I purposely left some things over there, just in case I needed an excuse to come over ;)
Kidd was indeed out of town and I did need my heels. I winded up going over there and getting a little more than my sexy black cut out, stilettos. He was a good kisser and he liked kissing me a lot. It started to rain, he had a pool and a hot tub, we were both naked in his house and it got a bit steamy...I am sure you could imagine what happened next.
The next morning I had to wake up at 7 am so I could be at my grandparent’s before they woke up! Naturally I drive up to the driveway and my grandfather is taking the dogs out. Sleepily, I open the gate and then of course the dogs start to run out in the street...I think I screamed, “FUCK!”over and over again for a solid two minutes.
Luckily the dogs got let in and he did not say a word. That old man was definitely quite at right times. That was my last sexual encountering with Loverboy, and it was quite a great ending, if I do say so myself.
Future Anna Nicole Smith...great
I really hope I do not end up marrying someone double my age when I am still forty and single.
The next day I decided to lay out with Kidd. Kidd and I lay out topless at Loverboy’s because there was no one there. Clearly, a near ten minutes later Loverboy shows up and I feel awkward as fuck. Loverboy jumps in his pool and then Kidd leaves. Fucking great people. Loverboy is in his pool and I am laying out and he wants to make out with me!!!! I asked him again about him and Kidd, he then assured me all was fine so I give up my lips for a hot minute. Then that is when I found out that a lesbian ate me out, he was making out with me helping her. I sighed for a bit and though oh..well shit, why not. I ended up living with Loverboy because Kidd moved in with him and I needed a place to stay when my grandrentals were away. Lord knows why they did not trust me with their house. I mean it is not like I had a party at my house when my parents were away my sophomore year of high school...there was only one hole that was punched into my basement wall. It could have been way worse, and only one camera got stolen.
The next night we went out for some sushi and sake, nothing crazy...or so I thought. Loverboy came into the guest room I was staying in and we had sex. Yup, he’s like double my age but SUPER SEXY and I mean he is my type. He is Italian, black hair, dark eyes, bulky build, 6”3 and super, successful lawyer. He told me that when he met me a year previous that he was interested and then my aunt gave him the approval to go for me. He did and then I certainly did. What the fuck Is wrong with me?
I stayed with him at his place for 3 weeks and we had sex about twice a week, except it was hot because I would tell him to come home from work and we would have hot sex in his kitchen and dining room. Sometimes he texted me during work, and would say that he missed my sexy lips (which I do not have) and I would make some sexual comeback because I am an instigator. My instigation definitely created more fun in my life! I always wanted to get him in trouble.
We would be the only ones in his house and he fucking gave it to me. He would go about 20 minutes and then as they say in the World Cup....GOAL. My aunt knew about it and was super cool, she really does have no feelings after about 3 divorces. It freaked me out but I tried not to think too hard about it.
It was an interesting summer, I would wake up at about 7 am, scramble into the kitchen, grab a mug and put it under some coffee machine going off, and in the middle of this I would hear Kidd scream and moan as if she was about to climax. I feel like many would think this is disturbing, but I thought it was so exciting.
The next day I decided to lay out with Kidd. Kidd and I lay out topless at Loverboy’s because there was no one there. Clearly, a near ten minutes later Loverboy shows up and I feel awkward as fuck. Loverboy jumps in his pool and then Kidd leaves. Fucking great people. Loverboy is in his pool and I am laying out and he wants to make out with me!!!! I asked him again about him and Kidd, he then assured me all was fine so I give up my lips for a hot minute. Then that is when I found out that a lesbian ate me out, he was making out with me helping her. I sighed for a bit and though oh..well shit, why not. I ended up living with Loverboy because Kidd moved in with him and I needed a place to stay when my grandrentals were away. Lord knows why they did not trust me with their house. I mean it is not like I had a party at my house when my parents were away my sophomore year of high school...there was only one hole that was punched into my basement wall. It could have been way worse, and only one camera got stolen.
The next night we went out for some sushi and sake, nothing crazy...or so I thought. Loverboy came into the guest room I was staying in and we had sex. Yup, he’s like double my age but SUPER SEXY and I mean he is my type. He is Italian, black hair, dark eyes, bulky build, 6”3 and super, successful lawyer. He told me that when he met me a year previous that he was interested and then my aunt gave him the approval to go for me. He did and then I certainly did. What the fuck Is wrong with me?
I stayed with him at his place for 3 weeks and we had sex about twice a week, except it was hot because I would tell him to come home from work and we would have hot sex in his kitchen and dining room. Sometimes he texted me during work, and would say that he missed my sexy lips (which I do not have) and I would make some sexual comeback because I am an instigator. My instigation definitely created more fun in my life! I always wanted to get him in trouble.
We would be the only ones in his house and he fucking gave it to me. He would go about 20 minutes and then as they say in the World Cup....GOAL. My aunt knew about it and was super cool, she really does have no feelings after about 3 divorces. It freaked me out but I tried not to think too hard about it.
It was an interesting summer, I would wake up at about 7 am, scramble into the kitchen, grab a mug and put it under some coffee machine going off, and in the middle of this I would hear Kidd scream and moan as if she was about to climax. I feel like many would think this is disturbing, but I thought it was so exciting.
Lexa's first strip club
Please do not judge me, after you read this ... or well at least not too harshly
My grandparents luckily were leaving the country for about 3 weeks so I had to stay with my nutty, AWESOME aunt. I’ll call her Kidd. I was so fucking happy to get out of my grandparents place. Dude, whenever I made breakfast before work my grandfather hovered over me and had to inquire about important crap all the time. Old man, I just woke up and smoked a bowl and all I want to do is eat some eggs and be on my way to Cuba so I can listen to people bitch. There is nothing worse than a damn hoverer. I am all about my personal space, unless however you look like George Clooney, than you can get as close as you want.
Back to Kidd-so life with Kidd was crazed. I drank every night with her and her friend Cy. Cy lives in a Barbie Dream Mansion and owns a real pink hair salon that reminds me of the game Candy Land. At the Barbie Mansion it was all harmless fun. One night when I stayed with Kidd, I went to a strip club.
This was my first strip club experience. Let me tell you this was probably a most first intense experience. Kidd is with her “lover” and his friend, and they pick me up in lover boy’s old car and we head over to a strip club they want to hit up. We get there and I show them my fake id naturally, and of course I got denied. Then we move to a different club that is GHETTO but fabulous. We get to the strip club and I am pretty sure Kidd slipped the bouncer money to get in. Kidd, lover and friend automatically get a bottle.....big NO NO for Lexa.
I am in a strip club sober watching some girl who resembles Rhianna get on a pole and strip. Shit people of course I was hitting that bottle. I am on my first cocktail and the lover boy wants me to slip a couple dollars in her bra. Next thing I know I end up in a room with Rhianna’s twin and she is on top of me fingering me. Yup I turned into a lesbian that night.
Shit starts to get crazy when the next stripper goes on the pole, This girl is brunette and is covered in tats so we called her Amy Wineouse. Lover boy and his friend want to get a room for all of us. We enter a room where I guessed strippers would dance and fancy us all. Except, it did not exactly end up like that. My aunt walks in the room first and takes her top off, so only her double d fake’s are hanging out, lover boy’s friend is freaking out saying, “Whoa! I would have never guessed she had boobs!”-considering Kidd is pretty ultra conservative. I enter the room and the first thing I asked is, “where did the bottle go?” I am trying to get drunk as possible so I can actually feel comfortable with the fact that girls are going to rub up against me. After a couple of glasses of Chandon I feel better and my top is off. Whoops. Kidd’s lover is fingering me hardcore and Rhianna and I are making out. Rhianna starts to finger me as well. Amy starts to have fun with me too and begins to get on me. --The rest I do not remember, I only remember passing out and I peed the bed in Loverboy’s guest room. I was told the next morning that I was eaten out by Amy Winehouse. Yup. It’s official I am a lesbian,
My grandparents luckily were leaving the country for about 3 weeks so I had to stay with my nutty, AWESOME aunt. I’ll call her Kidd. I was so fucking happy to get out of my grandparents place. Dude, whenever I made breakfast before work my grandfather hovered over me and had to inquire about important crap all the time. Old man, I just woke up and smoked a bowl and all I want to do is eat some eggs and be on my way to Cuba so I can listen to people bitch. There is nothing worse than a damn hoverer. I am all about my personal space, unless however you look like George Clooney, than you can get as close as you want.
Back to Kidd-so life with Kidd was crazed. I drank every night with her and her friend Cy. Cy lives in a Barbie Dream Mansion and owns a real pink hair salon that reminds me of the game Candy Land. At the Barbie Mansion it was all harmless fun. One night when I stayed with Kidd, I went to a strip club.
This was my first strip club experience. Let me tell you this was probably a most first intense experience. Kidd is with her “lover” and his friend, and they pick me up in lover boy’s old car and we head over to a strip club they want to hit up. We get there and I show them my fake id naturally, and of course I got denied. Then we move to a different club that is GHETTO but fabulous. We get to the strip club and I am pretty sure Kidd slipped the bouncer money to get in. Kidd, lover and friend automatically get a bottle.....big NO NO for Lexa.
I am in a strip club sober watching some girl who resembles Rhianna get on a pole and strip. Shit people of course I was hitting that bottle. I am on my first cocktail and the lover boy wants me to slip a couple dollars in her bra. Next thing I know I end up in a room with Rhianna’s twin and she is on top of me fingering me. Yup I turned into a lesbian that night.
Shit starts to get crazy when the next stripper goes on the pole, This girl is brunette and is covered in tats so we called her Amy Wineouse. Lover boy and his friend want to get a room for all of us. We enter a room where I guessed strippers would dance and fancy us all. Except, it did not exactly end up like that. My aunt walks in the room first and takes her top off, so only her double d fake’s are hanging out, lover boy’s friend is freaking out saying, “Whoa! I would have never guessed she had boobs!”-considering Kidd is pretty ultra conservative. I enter the room and the first thing I asked is, “where did the bottle go?” I am trying to get drunk as possible so I can actually feel comfortable with the fact that girls are going to rub up against me. After a couple of glasses of Chandon I feel better and my top is off. Whoops. Kidd’s lover is fingering me hardcore and Rhianna and I are making out. Rhianna starts to finger me as well. Amy starts to have fun with me too and begins to get on me. --The rest I do not remember, I only remember passing out and I peed the bed in Loverboy’s guest room. I was told the next morning that I was eaten out by Amy Winehouse. Yup. It’s official I am a lesbian,
At least there were blunts
Life at the office was boring and dull as fuck. Everyday I basically got shat on for no reason because people do not realize I am only the fucking receptionist. I will tell you I have the worst and best luck. Two things that came out of my summer job were blunts and Cabo. The only two people in the office were these two guys.
One of them I just want to nickname Burger King because he always had a BK cup in his hand, I would say he is your typical BK lover, about 5’5 chubby, red brownish beard and he absolutely HATED his job. I think I should have gotten paid for being a therapist as well as the helpful receptionist that I was (and yes I was blazed 90 percent of them). I honestly do not really know what I would do without BK man, every time someone called I had no idea what this loan servicing terminology was all about, nor did I give a flying fuck so he was wise and provided me with the help I needed to stay in the cuban madhouse. You know what BK man should win an sward, that crazed mother fucker rolled a blunt in his like cubicle on his keyboard, not many people have the balls to pull that stunt.
I’ll call his friend Jesus because he was pretty religious. And I guess you could say I was his Mary Magdalen, because he totally wanted to do me. I used to think Jesus was pretty cute,but then he told me he lived with his parents. We also went out for cocktails one night and he did not pay. The only bonus was the blunt he brought. Great times. I must say I walked around the streets of Miami with a blunt or bowl in my hand many times and no one gave two shits. One time I gave the rest of my blunt to a homeless man and he almost cried he was so happy. Well, actually I did not but I always thought about it.
Jesus definitely was a super guy, I think other girls would be all over him considering he was a cute, family guy, good values, not a convict or illegal immigrant (which is definitely hard to find in Miami) but I have more important things I need. I need a man who is older, with money and wants to treat me like a sex slave because I dig that for some really sick reason but hey we all have our guilty pleasure in life. Right?
Jesus ended up being such a good friend, he met up with me and gave me FIRE (only the best bud I had in Miami). When you live with your grandparents, you have to be on something to make shit interesting. I totally took advantage of that Blue Ray player, and fridge. Jesus is cool and is down to rage and do drugs, so who knows maybe we will be best friends for ever.
I was high as a kite and lazy most of the my summer and barely partied but when I did I went hard. My best friend In tampa told me that her friend Shag was coming into Miami and apparently he was cool so I figured why not, I met up with him at his brother place on the beach, we drank some beers and chilled which was great fun and smoked! Bonus! And his brother made cinnamon buns-Double Bonus!
Well we all know how Lexa gets when he drinks, so after about like 10 beers he was touching me and next thing I know I am in his brother’s roommate's bed naked...opps. Naturally my grandparents are like freaks and wake up at 7 am on saturdays so I figured it would be O.K. to nap and then go home. I got to their place at 8 am and my grandfather of course was reading the newspaper in their living room and I am still drunk in my outfit from last night and just run up to bed. My grandmother exclaimed she could not believe that I got home so late! Sorry, this aint the 1950’s.
One of them I just want to nickname Burger King because he always had a BK cup in his hand, I would say he is your typical BK lover, about 5’5 chubby, red brownish beard and he absolutely HATED his job. I think I should have gotten paid for being a therapist as well as the helpful receptionist that I was (and yes I was blazed 90 percent of them). I honestly do not really know what I would do without BK man, every time someone called I had no idea what this loan servicing terminology was all about, nor did I give a flying fuck so he was wise and provided me with the help I needed to stay in the cuban madhouse. You know what BK man should win an sward, that crazed mother fucker rolled a blunt in his like cubicle on his keyboard, not many people have the balls to pull that stunt.
I’ll call his friend Jesus because he was pretty religious. And I guess you could say I was his Mary Magdalen, because he totally wanted to do me. I used to think Jesus was pretty cute,but then he told me he lived with his parents. We also went out for cocktails one night and he did not pay. The only bonus was the blunt he brought. Great times. I must say I walked around the streets of Miami with a blunt or bowl in my hand many times and no one gave two shits. One time I gave the rest of my blunt to a homeless man and he almost cried he was so happy. Well, actually I did not but I always thought about it.
Jesus definitely was a super guy, I think other girls would be all over him considering he was a cute, family guy, good values, not a convict or illegal immigrant (which is definitely hard to find in Miami) but I have more important things I need. I need a man who is older, with money and wants to treat me like a sex slave because I dig that for some really sick reason but hey we all have our guilty pleasure in life. Right?
Jesus ended up being such a good friend, he met up with me and gave me FIRE (only the best bud I had in Miami). When you live with your grandparents, you have to be on something to make shit interesting. I totally took advantage of that Blue Ray player, and fridge. Jesus is cool and is down to rage and do drugs, so who knows maybe we will be best friends for ever.
I was high as a kite and lazy most of the my summer and barely partied but when I did I went hard. My best friend In tampa told me that her friend Shag was coming into Miami and apparently he was cool so I figured why not, I met up with him at his brother place on the beach, we drank some beers and chilled which was great fun and smoked! Bonus! And his brother made cinnamon buns-Double Bonus!
Well we all know how Lexa gets when he drinks, so after about like 10 beers he was touching me and next thing I know I am in his brother’s roommate's bed naked...opps. Naturally my grandparents are like freaks and wake up at 7 am on saturdays so I figured it would be O.K. to nap and then go home. I got to their place at 8 am and my grandfather of course was reading the newspaper in their living room and I am still drunk in my outfit from last night and just run up to bed. My grandmother exclaimed she could not believe that I got home so late! Sorry, this aint the 1950’s.
Working in Cuba
SO sorry I have not updated this lately!!! Things are about to change. I will fill in the gap between my last post and June. I am just going to get you fired up with my summer stories, and then I will let you know what shit you missed second half of second semester this past spring.
It is June people, school has been out for a while and I have replaced sex and booze with weed and food-don’t get me wrong that is not a bad combination. I agreed to my grandmother that I would work for her good friend who is the chairman of a mortgage and loan servicing company. What the hell was I thinking? When I was offered a job in Miami for the summer, that would include money (which I desperately needed because I spend way too many on drugs and false eyelashes) and MIAMI for the summer!!!- Double yes!! I was always bored in Long Island, and ate way too much pizza.
When I first arrived in Miami, I obviously was phoneless, and basically friendless. Friendless did not mind me too much because I really do not mind sitting a bar alone, just as long as I have drink in my hand (whoa, I sound like an alcoholic-wait a second...) My first major problems I enocuntered was one, I was out of weed, and two I did not have a phone to contact a drug dealer. Did I mention MAJOR problem? My grandparents loved the fact they had me sober, working from 8:30-5pm all to their self...I however was not adjusting well to this quaint, boring lifestyle.
I work in an office with about 10 people in a pretty happening town and this was during the World Cup in the frekin port of the United States. Happy Hour by the office began at (9:30AM when the games started and people were adamant about supporting their country. Godbless them.
My coworkers are mostly married and if not for a good reason. For example the youngest man I work with is 26, muy religioso and lives with his parents and he thinks he is the shit, and believe me if he was I would have probably had sex with him. Then there is Cristobal he barely speaks english but he is a cool motherfucker just for that reason and he works his ass off (I don’t think he is a legal immigrant, so if he got fired he would be fucked). Jane is the chairman’s assistant, Jane definitely did some major drugs when she was my age, she always tells me not to party too hard because she knows us partiers can get in some serious ass trouble, cough”arrested”cough. Renan is a chill ass dude. We basically bitch together and say how much we hate working. We will for sure smoke a blunt soon together. Marcia is cuban...if that does not tell you enough information let me just tell you I am really surprised I have not gone deaf from hearing her yelling at customers. There is a couple more, but they are not too exciting to mention.
As for my job, I sit behind a desk where I play the role of receptionisit and deal with customers on the phone. My tasks include, assigning workflows to everyone in the office, opening mail, scanning, looking up customers loans information and answering questions.
FUCK MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In reality I get to work LATE because I need to make that stop out of the way to get my obnoxious venti sized coffee from Starbucks, then I try to scan insurance documents but the scanner is a piece of shit so noting scans right so I stand by the scanner and curse at and bang at it until it makes me feel better. After I scan I wait for a huge load of envelopes to come on to my desk, they all have insurance documents in them and I have to look up their loan number. After my fingers spend hours dancing on keyboards my neck is cramped and all I want is an asian to magically appear behind my desk and give me a massage. Throughout the day people ask me all about their account while using baking terminology I have never heard of in my life, I pretend like I know exactly what they are talking about and usually tell them false information, whatever makes them shut up and not ask too many questions. THE BEST is when someone calls and they go on give minutes rampage and waste my precious facebook stalking time, in spanish (heads up, the person who hired me thinks I speak full spanish), after their LOUD rambling nonsense of how they cannot pay their mortgage, I say ohhhhhhhhh Voy a transferar al diferent representativo, they laugh at my valley girl spanish accent and I click my favorite button and only button I only use on the phone. I would like you to meet my friend named transfer.
It is June people, school has been out for a while and I have replaced sex and booze with weed and food-don’t get me wrong that is not a bad combination. I agreed to my grandmother that I would work for her good friend who is the chairman of a mortgage and loan servicing company. What the hell was I thinking? When I was offered a job in Miami for the summer, that would include money (which I desperately needed because I spend way too many on drugs and false eyelashes) and MIAMI for the summer!!!- Double yes!! I was always bored in Long Island, and ate way too much pizza.
When I first arrived in Miami, I obviously was phoneless, and basically friendless. Friendless did not mind me too much because I really do not mind sitting a bar alone, just as long as I have drink in my hand (whoa, I sound like an alcoholic-wait a second...) My first major problems I enocuntered was one, I was out of weed, and two I did not have a phone to contact a drug dealer. Did I mention MAJOR problem? My grandparents loved the fact they had me sober, working from 8:30-5pm all to their self...I however was not adjusting well to this quaint, boring lifestyle.
I work in an office with about 10 people in a pretty happening town and this was during the World Cup in the frekin port of the United States. Happy Hour by the office began at (9:30AM when the games started and people were adamant about supporting their country. Godbless them.
My coworkers are mostly married and if not for a good reason. For example the youngest man I work with is 26, muy religioso and lives with his parents and he thinks he is the shit, and believe me if he was I would have probably had sex with him. Then there is Cristobal he barely speaks english but he is a cool motherfucker just for that reason and he works his ass off (I don’t think he is a legal immigrant, so if he got fired he would be fucked). Jane is the chairman’s assistant, Jane definitely did some major drugs when she was my age, she always tells me not to party too hard because she knows us partiers can get in some serious ass trouble, cough”arrested”cough. Renan is a chill ass dude. We basically bitch together and say how much we hate working. We will for sure smoke a blunt soon together. Marcia is cuban...if that does not tell you enough information let me just tell you I am really surprised I have not gone deaf from hearing her yelling at customers. There is a couple more, but they are not too exciting to mention.
As for my job, I sit behind a desk where I play the role of receptionisit and deal with customers on the phone. My tasks include, assigning workflows to everyone in the office, opening mail, scanning, looking up customers loans information and answering questions.
FUCK MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In reality I get to work LATE because I need to make that stop out of the way to get my obnoxious venti sized coffee from Starbucks, then I try to scan insurance documents but the scanner is a piece of shit so noting scans right so I stand by the scanner and curse at and bang at it until it makes me feel better. After I scan I wait for a huge load of envelopes to come on to my desk, they all have insurance documents in them and I have to look up their loan number. After my fingers spend hours dancing on keyboards my neck is cramped and all I want is an asian to magically appear behind my desk and give me a massage. Throughout the day people ask me all about their account while using baking terminology I have never heard of in my life, I pretend like I know exactly what they are talking about and usually tell them false information, whatever makes them shut up and not ask too many questions. THE BEST is when someone calls and they go on give minutes rampage and waste my precious facebook stalking time, in spanish (heads up, the person who hired me thinks I speak full spanish), after their LOUD rambling nonsense of how they cannot pay their mortgage, I say ohhhhhhhhh Voy a transferar al diferent representativo, they laugh at my valley girl spanish accent and I click my favorite button and only button I only use on the phone. I would like you to meet my friend named transfer.
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